My school life is nothing more than a recent distant memory.

I can cope with the change in lifestyle but the length depresses me. I can do the job when the time calls for it

The key here is opportunity cost. The things that I have to sacrifice to go through this. Sacrifices everyone who goes through this have to make.

What do I miss?

I miss the freedom to rehearse. The change from creativity to uniformity. Urges of showmanship and spontaneity are curtailed.

Initially, I thought that signing on might even be a distant option but I realize I would be missing out on so much more. Yeah, it’s true that those who do sign on learn so much that others never get a chance to and the financial stability is a boon in an uncertain economy but I don’t think that should be my motivation.

I was slightly disappointed with my physical limitations that wouldn’t allow me to be an officer cadet. I think, despite the obvious physical and mental stress of training. I would enjoy it because it allows me to do my best for the 2 years. But fate seems to have other plans for me.

I wouldn’t say that I have my future set out but I’m thankful that I already know a few paths that I could walk down. I know some things and jobs that I could see myself doing and my interests are pretty defined and they are pursueable interests.

Ministry of Foreign Affairs/International news agency via a degree in Political Science/International Relations
Marketing, Corporate Communications job a big company (SIA, Adidas)

And I will look to be involved in the arts somehow, no matter what. The only question would only be, how heavily involved I would be.

It’s nice for one if he finds that the armed forces gives him a sense of purpose and a direction in life. It’s a noble profession.

But I already knew what I wanted before I went into this. So, I’ll do my job as well as I can for the 2 years and be on my way, back on track, doing what I originally wanted to do.

And as long as I have those goals in mind, I think I’ll be fine.

However, what could be negative is that with this goals in mind, I would see my job for these 2 years as a hinderance, stopping me from doing me what I want to do.

I’m sure there will be bad days where I don’t feel up for it but it’s human to feel that way and it’s present in any task situation. I mean, I missed school but I moaned about how I didn’t wanna go; just like every other student, didn’t I?

I just have to keep on going.

2 years seems like a long time though.

I still kinda remember my setting out on my first day of ITE, with this end in mind.

Job done.

Interestingly, I heard no rendition of the overplayed Graduation song this time round.

Along the way, I’ve had a few moments I can be proud of and others where I could definitely have done better. I didn’t achieve everything that I wanted to, particularly with some people and issues but heck, I’m still here; ready to kick ass another day.

The obligation is National Service but the next major goal is a degree.

I ain’t done yet girl. So you gotta wait for a me a little while longer.

The more I go on, the more I find that people you meet  tend not to stick around.

That’s because we’re all pretty set in our circles. There is no urgent need to find a new one.

So, when you do find a new circle or become part of a new one with others, hold on to that cos it says volumes about the potential your friendship or relationship has.

That is why goodbyes are hard sometimes. You meet people who you want to stick around. But life gets in the way.

You don’t want it to happen but it happens. You drift.

That’s life.

They say, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans.”

Something like that.

So whether it’s yourself drifting away or you see others drift away, sometimes you can do nothing but to pick up your bags and be on your way, continuing on your journey.

Point is, if you meet special people in your life, try to stick around but if the fates decide otherwise, you just have to keep on keepin’ on.

‘Tis a shame when they do leave though.

I always wondered how real life law Interpol agents lived. Fighting crime, evil and corruption. They can’t really have that normal life  that common folk have.

If I was physically fit, I think I would be perfect for that kind of job.

I don’t think I have anything to be tied down to. I’m 22, no girlfriend, done with college.

Whatever salary I get would be enough to send back to the family.

Something about doing my part to protect the people that I care about.

It doesn’t matter that I can’t have the normal life  that my friends have. I’ll do my part to ensure that they can.

I wish I could. Would be fun.

But I’m living in Singapore and I’m not athletic.

Ah well, I did say it was a wish.

The journey’s over.

It started out as a destination. As my life seemed to plateau, ITE was a fresh start, it was the long way round in a journey to a polytechnic diploma.

It was like a packaged 5 year plan.

Now, it’s over. I got what I came for.

Now what?

I didn’t feel it after ITE because I know that another 3 years were waiting for me. It wasn’t over.

What sucks I’ve had to say goodbye to some great people. Twice. I didn’t enjoy it the first time. Not any easier the 2nd time round either.

In the grand scheme of things, a central focus of my life was no more. 16 years of education; school, assignments, homework, projects and most significantly – friends, all no more.

Needless to say, after school ended. I felt lost. It was maddening to stay at home with nothing on the agenda. I actually enjoyed the last year of school because it was simply that, the last year.

And then National Service enlistment finally came calling. It was almost something mythical. Every Singaporean boy grows up knowing they will have to serve one day but you always put it down to some distant future.

Now it’s here. I’m fine. Almost glad it’s come and come early. Gives me something to focus on.

You might say that school isn’t quite over. There’s still university, you say.

I would love to go, definitely.

But it’s not a certainty that I can go. Hopefully I will but that’s not to be answered now.

The memories have been made, great people the reason for that.

It’s been a good 5 years.

No, it’s been an awesome 5 years.

=)

School got in the way. We had to finish everything. One last push before we were done.

Before I knew it, school was over. The time came to say goodbye.

I wanted to restart this as soon as school ended. I had so many thoughts on it. I wanted to scribe down the way I felt. A rush of so many different feelings. The end of my academic journey (for now?) and the days after brought about many more thoughts.

I will get to them. The first step is restarting this journal.

I miss it. But a friend made me realize, sticking around for too long isn’t any good.

On to bigger and better things.

More soon.

He MIGHT be paralyzed from below the neck down but we don’t know yet.

Whatever, at least he’s breathing. That’s all that counts for now.

I like my iPhone.

It allows me to blog, whenever the mood strikes or whenever I need to.

Like when I’m at the hospital.

But Facebook’s iPhone app is annoying. I keep getting my friend’s notifications. It doesn’t just happen to me, other iPhone users face the problem too.

And my iPhone 3GS isn’t even jail-broken.

Moving on to the main point of this post.

I just had to get this out of my system.

I won’t pretend to be a saint.

I like you. You attract me to you.

It could be your eyes, your smile, or how cute you look with your hair falls on your face a certain way.

That is undeniably part of why I like you.

But I also like you because I see a person inside that I might like. Yes, not just how awesome  your eyes look but also the soul that I see behind those eyes.

I might not know you well enough but I do know you.

I can see it in your face. The way you close your eyes, take a deep breath and wish life would slow down.

You’re tired and troubled. You’re carrying a heavy burden on your shoulders. It may not know what it is but I can see that it is causing you distress.

We all have our  troubles, myself included. But sharing the load helps.

I wish I knew you well enough. And you knew me well enough.

Well enough for me to approach you to ask what’s wrong. Well enough for you to share your troubles with me.

Some may mistake this as insincere. As I’m only doing this because I like you. If this is true, I’ll be painted as one who is a  selfish opportunist, helping others only when it is beneficial to my cause. But I know I’m not like that.

I know I’m not like that because I am sincere. I like you therefore, I don’t want to see you in any pain. This offer of help and hope does not depend on you liking me back. It will not disappear even if you do not feel the same way.

It is because the way I feel about you is the person that you are and not simply because you happen to like me.

I wish I could find the door and I wish you’d let me in. It hurts me to see you having problems and me not being able to do anything about it because I know that if I try, everyone (yourself included) will think that I have a hidden motive.

Which I think may be true ( because I do like you) but what I am certain of is that, I don’t wish to see you so stressed out. But because of what might be preceived, I cannot come any closer to you even though I wish I could.

But you don’t know me.

You know what my name is but you don’t know me. Similarly, I know  your name but not who you are inside either.

This statement of sincere intent to help is all I have.

I know you’ll never see this.

Even if you do, you’ll never know it’s for you.

We don’t know each other well enough.

He’s 2 years younger, eighteen. You could say that we grew up together.

We may not have been on the same page in the way we lived our lives but blood is thicker than water and we were like bros.

Bike accident.

On any other day, I might have read an incident about this in the paper about someone else and my interest would have been fleeting, as long as it would have taken me to read the article.

It’s one of those things. You never feel it till it actually hits you.

He ain’t doing too good. I can’t confirm but I heard he suffered 80% blood loss; is that even possible?

On the cab ride over, my mind drifted to the times we had, along with 3 others and how the 5 of us always got into trouble with the aunts.

Used to be grandparents, aunts or uncles, now it’s cousins. Too close for comfort.

Get up man, this ain’t nothing for a crazy daredevil like you.

Then I could join up with the Doctors Without Borders programme. But I ain’t never gonna be so I’ll have to make my social contribution some way else.

I actually have 4 drafts pending but for each one, I’ve left them unfinished and it would be kinda pointless to publish them now.

Life’s been a bit of a lull for me. Nothing interesting to report.

Sometimes, we wonder why we try. Then, we wonder why we keep trying. Even when it seems futile.

Why are we not more cold and unfeeling? Nobody likes to be vulnerable. Nobody wants to let their guard down and get hit. Yet, so many take the risk. They do so because the reward is worth the risk.

For others, it’s not meant to be. So they’ll just spend life alone.

It’s hard to see others happy. Not that we do not wish them well. It just reminds us of what we’re missing out on.

Why do we keep trying?

It must be hope.

Then again, it could be foolishness.

It’s a very fine line, so take your pick.

Even when it clearly not enough.

As long as I remain afraid to make the first move, the chasm of silence that seperates us will always remain.

When will I stop being afraid?

Until then, I have to be content with just a glance.

Till, next time…when I hopefully have more courage.

You might know him better as T.I.

I love that song and not just cos he’s my favourite rapper. The boy that’s reppin’ Bankhead is one of the realest rappers in the game.

But it’s also cos that’s what I want to do. Be able to bring my girl whatever and wherever she likes.

Know this, all that ain’t for me. It’s mostly just for her.

If it was just for me, a visit to Old Trafford and a few Man Utd games ‘live’ would do me fine.

It may sound shallow, but I wish I was rich so I could bring you round Europe. Not just any kind of Europe but the real one. Sure, we’ll do the tourist thing once or twice but I want to go see the real Paris, the real London, the real Rome.

Why Europe? It has such a storied storied history, with many distinct cultures that remain distinct even in today’s borderless world.

Where the arty performing kids hang, where painters find their muse, follow that road, off the beaten path and past that alley or two.

Of course, I might have to go with my best friends first, cos I know they’ll have my back, in case that particular alley turns out to be unsafe and we get into a few hair-raising shenanigans.

I don’t just want to see the Eiffel Tower or the Louvre or the Fontana di Trevi, I want to see more, see deeper than that.

I’d love it if you would come with me.

I don’t have rich parents to pay for my trips overseas.

Everyone’s been jetting off everywhere these past 2 weeks.

Never mind, I know I’ll feel better if it’s my own nickel and dime.

Problem is, you might have to wait a while.

But, I promise.

I’ll work towards being able to afford it.

We’ll give the touristy stuff the go round once, just to say we did it. The Conrad, buffet breakfasts and hired cars.

After that, that’s when the real fun begins.

Dingy motels with broken heaters.

Wonderfully lost in alley markets.

Having a dinner of bread as we watch street buskers by the waterfront.

Let’s ditch the dumb guided tours, we’ll have one of our own with us as the guides and the passengers of our own little ride.

We won’t need the little souvenirs of the replica Eiffel Towers, ours will be in our cameras and etched in our hearts as experiences and in our minds as memories.

One day, I promise.